Holy Clavicles, Batman!

Short, but sweet today.

A benchmark of my success has always been a clavicle sighting. I tend to hold weight around my neck. Attractive, I know. Due to all this extra neck fat my clavicles have become mysterious, mythical entities. Kind of like Bigfoot, I've heard that my clavicles exist, but I've not seen them so I'm skeptical. But slowly, very slowly, something has been happening. As I've lost weight my clavicles have been making peek-a-boo appearances on odd occasions. When I'd shrug or take a deep breath they'd surface briefly and then retreat to wherever it is they go during day to day operation.

Today I looked in the mirror and saw my clavicles without the shrug or the deep breath. They were faint, but they were there, two slightly canted horizontal slashes just below my neck. They were glorious. Laugh if you like, but the sight of a standard portion of my anatomy elated me. They also count as a pretty solid reaffirmation that I'm headed in the right direction. Who knew two little bones could make my day?

Starting Over

Don't die. I know it's a shock. Unexpected as it is, you may be totally unprepared for this.

I'm back to blogging.

I missed you. Sorry I stayed away so long. To make a long story short I hit a hell of a plateau which sparked a little bit of a funk and a very long hiatus from my pursuit of health. Oh I kept up token concepts, like my scheduled eating days, but a vegetarian day doesn't do much for you when you fill it up with pizza, ice cream, and grilled cheese sammiches. Hey, they're meat free so they count. I might have even put veggies on the pizza. My shaky logic showed in my waistline. Here's where I am with my weight: pretty much the same place I was in October. I'm actually up about 5 pounds, that being after I lost 5 in Vegas, gained about 10 while I recovered(we'll get back to that), got a little depressed and stopped eating , thus losing 5, then going on a cruise and finding 10, and finally getting back on the wagon and losing 5. That was confusing. Imagine how I feel.

Okay, so to make a long story long I have to take you back, WAY back, to October 2011. The last thing you heard from me, I had given up my health plan in favor of Las Vegas, Nevada. Well I went to Sin City and actually didn't go insane on all the food there. Add in walking about five miles a day due to the incredibly deceptive distance of things in the desert and I came back a little more than five pounds lighter. I also came back much, much lazier. The fact that I had an empty fridge and an empty wallet meant that I was looking for cheap easy ways to feed myself for about two weeks. Hello, cheap pizza; goodbye, five pounds of progress. Since I fell off a mule, yes I said mule, and seriously injured my knee, working out was, well, out. This, of course, did not do much for my resolve. In case you wondered, there's only so much of a five month plateau a sane person can take without questioning the point of doing something. Since my diet and exercise regimen were pretty much shot, I decided I no longer cared. The holiday season was upon me, and frankly I've never been one to pass up Thanksgiving in spite of the fact that I typically have at least two full blown Thanksgiving meals to attend. None of that stuff is particularly good for you, even the homemade stuff. After Thanksgiving I gave in to the terrible urge to step on the scale and promptly decided not to eat ever again. Of course, that's silly. One must eat. I did, however, totally abandon my appetite. I just had no inclination to put food in my mouth and enjoy it. Since I was only eating once or twice a day(I'd eat at work so nobody would ask me if something was wrong. Why is it that people think asking if everything is okay is a good idea? If something is wrong do you really think I appreciate you making me talk to you about it? Really? Sorry, minor rant over.) I lost around five pounds in the three weeks or so that I kept that up. Christmas came and went, as did New Years, without significant impact on my weight. Then I went on my 2012 Vacation Blitz. I went to Disneyworld the second weekend of January subsiding mostly on peanut butter sandwiches, home bake pizza, and fast food. Yummy....also, super healthy...right? No? Well okay, how about the floating smorgasbord Carnival calls a cruise liner? It wasn't that the food was particularly horrible. It was that it was available 24 hrs a day. Do you know what constant grazing on sub par cruise fare gets you? I do. Ten pounds heavier, that's what. I did have some really delicious, high quality, healthy food while visiting my Miami friend. I then ruined that trend by demanding a stop at Miami Subs(which, by the way, almost made me miss my flight). I returned to a sad number on my scale, a fridge that was once again empty, and restless energy I could never quite dispel. I bought a bunch of brown rice and canned veggies and stuff for grilled cheese sammiches(it's an addiction, get off me!) to combat my empty fridge. I hit the gym to combat the restless energy and the sad scale number.

I bought a used ipod touch. This is relevant only because it allowed me to access a calorie counting app called MyFitnessPal. I like it. I will be the first to admit that I'm way too lazy to calorie count on my own. It's a lot of effort. This app, however, allows me to see in a tangible way exactly how much I'm eating with relative ease. They have a database of foods that I can access wherever I happen to be, whenever I happen to be eating. My job is to search and choose my foods; the app does the rest. If I can't find it, I can add to the database. When I'm cooking I can enter all my individual ingredients and how many servings it makes and this thing does the math for me and will enter a per serving calorie and nutrient count. I'm in love. So far, I've seen a little progress and have lost at least two pounds in my first week and a half. I haven't weighed myself recently so it may be more than that by now. Now if I can only convince myself that I do not need to eat up all the calories I burn working out just because my app tells me I can I might just make it off my plateau.

Anyhow, I took a hard look at the last year and I've decided I tried to do too much, too fast. So now I'm going back to the last place I saw success and starting to build from there. I'm still working out all the details, but when I know, you'll know.

The Hunger Conundrum

I've found that, when it comes to the subject of hunger and weight loss, people tend to be in two camps. Camp one says you should constantly graze on low calorie small meals in order to stave off hunger pains and avoid stuffing your face to the extreme when you get hungry. I understand the logic. When you wait until you're hungry to try to locate food you're ravenous by the time you find food and are, therefor, much more likely to give in to the impulse to eat yourself into a stupor. I've been there, and it is no good. Camp two says you shouldn't be eating unless you're hungry. Mindless grazing, according to camp two-ers, doesn't do anyone any favors as there is no clear indicator of "enough". I understand the logic. If you aren't eating off of cues that signal you to start eating, how on earth can you expect to react to cues signaling you to stop. A snack in the name of weight loss can very easily become a snack, a post snack-snack, a pre-meal snack, and a salty snack to balance the flavor of the sweet post-meal snack you just had. I've been there, and it's no good. So where's the good? Personally I've been thinking the good falls somewhere in the middle. Forcing yourself to eat just to "boost your metabolism" is no healthier than starving yourself to "eat only when your body needs nourishment". I tried, and failed, setting an alarm to remind me to eat a very small portion of something every 2.5 hours. I think I failed miserably because I just had no inclination to eat. At all. And when I did feel a little peckish, it was totally outside of my schedule. I say if food is on your mind, even if you don't feel the tummy rumbles yet, grab yourself a little something. In all likelihood that's your body's way of gearing up to get hungry in a few and you should probably cut it off at the pass. And, as always, control is key. Pick something relatively light and full of good stuff. I've found that the more nutrient dense a meal, the less frequently I want to eat. For example, I'm currently hungry. I can't settle, however, on anything I really want to eat. On second thought, that didn't have anything to do with anything aside from my blog topic. I must need to eat.

Getting Back to Basics

I'm alive!!! I know I haven't really been good about the blogging thing, but I've had so many people ask me about my progress that I felt the need to write, to share, to update. First thing first, August in review. I began August at 277 and ended August at 277. Seriously, it was a total wash. I tried a lot of things; I felt like I was bouncing around trying to regain my equilibrium. I'll be honest. There was more than a hint of desperation in my actions. It wasn't so much that I was desperate to meet my goals, but more that I was desperate to see ANY progress whatsoever. I cannot describe how disheartening it is to be working so hard for no reward. That disappointment gets compounded when, out of a seething frustration or an enveloping despair or both, I snap back in the other direction and deliberately do something counterproductive. Think along the lines of downing two double bacon cheeseburgers. Yeah, I did that. I even acknowledged to myself that I shouldn't have given into the urge to indulge. I acknowledged when I made the decision to go get them, I acknowledged in the car, I acknowledged in the drive-through, I acknowledged as I stuffed my face. But then, acknowledgement has never been my problem. As September commenced, and with it came the realization that all my running around in circles netted no gain, I calmed down and took a few mental deep breaths. Honestly, I'm not sure what switch flipped in my head, but there's definitely a change in my perspective. I've returned to my workout routine, allowing no excuses. For the first time I've been going to the gym even after working overtime. Generally I consider it an either/or choice, but I've decided to allow for no interruptions. I've made my own meals this week and hidden my "fun money" card in an effort, that so far and with minimal exception has been working, to minimize my compulsive food purchases. Lo and behold, I'm finally seeing some downward motion on my scale. Eating right and exercising; turns out it works. Go figure. I have to say, I was getting concerned. Although, I'm not one of those to make excuses, I had considered getting my thyroid tested. It seemed to me that I was doing a lot of work to be seeing no results. Looking back, I was doing a lot of work, but I was also using that work to justify poor decisions. Thus the lack of progress. Hindsight, so they say, is 20/20. I've somewhat resumed my food journalism, although I'm still not nearly as consistent with it as I was in the beginning. It's on my list of things to improve, a list which seems to get longer by the day. For now, however, I'm concentrating on taking things a day at a time, managing my meals, and keeping my exercise schedule consistent. Here goes nothing!

How Much Is Too Much?

While at the gym today, some of the morning programs turned, as they often do, to fitness tips and awareness. There is an incredible emphasis in this country on being "fit" (translate to thin), so I usually take the information presented on such segments with a grain of salt. I was surprised to see that last week or so one of the morning shows (I admit they're all the same to me) had a professional on who pretty much confessed the BMI system is mostly bogus. Props for having the nerve to say that a "fat" person who exercises is, on the whole, more fit than a "skinny" person who doesn't. Anyway, on this particular segment, the resident expert was talking about calorie counting and over-exercising. I hadn't thought about what is considered too much, or compulsive exercise.  Over-exercising is basically when you feel a compulsive need to exercise excessively for extended periods of time daily. What is excessive? Many websites I checked are saying anything over the thirty or forty five minute mark can be considered excessive. I guess this causes me concern because my exercise regimen is longer than thirty minutes daily, and fairly energetic. However, in all of the articles I read, they referred to compulsive exercise in the cases of people currently at an optimal fitness level. There was no mention of what is too much when it comes to intentional loss. It almost seems to me that if excess got you into a physical fix, excess in the opposite direction should likewise get you out. But then maybe I'm just trying to justify my own excessive tendencies. I will say I haven't read anything that makes me overly concerned as of yet. I don't really consider my exercise essential to my happiness or well-being. Believe me, I can throw it over for a good solid nap anytime. Moreover, I'm not operating without a specific goal. I am concerned about what my mental state may look like once I've reached said goal. There were a couple of personality traits common to compulsive exercisers that I recognize in myself and I can easily see myself obsessing over maintaining my new sleek physique. That, however, is a long way off. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, I intend to continue with my current plan and listen to my body.

On a positive note, lets talk a little about the weirdness of weight loss. Let me preface by saying I'm not one to look in the mirror. I never have been. I most likely never will be. While there is a pantheon of issues that cause and accompany my utter apathy toward my own reflection, it makes it all the more startling when I happen to notice changes in my own body. Like my side dimples. Oh, yes, I have side dimples. Sexy, I know. I literally looks like the skin on my side has finally found a rib and is clinging on for dear life. And I bet you can't guess the other place I'm noticing weight loss. Nope. Not there either. Give up? My toes. I have a toe ring I've worn constantly for the past five years or so, and I've had to adjust it more frequently this past week than ever before. Apparently I lost a little weight in my toes and the ring, as a result, started sliding around in circles. For those of you who don't wear foot jewelry, this is incredibly uncomfortable. I'd love to skip all this awkward middle phase and head straight for dead sexy. I believe I've already mentioned my preference for instant gratification. I do have to confess, though, I'm more than a little curious about what oddity will present itself down the road.

Juice Watch 2011, part 2

Sad news on the juicing front! My feeding chute broke! Insert "oh no!" here. I tried to fix it. I tried working around it. No bueno. I contacted Juiceman about the warranty. Hopefully they will be willing to replace my lid so I can resume my juicing. Until then, the juicing is on hold. Honestly, I have mixed feelings. I can't say I'm mad about needing to have to eat solid food once more. I like food. But I am disappointed I had to set aside my goals. I'm disappointed I didn't get a chance to struggle through this to the end. But c'est la vie. Now I have an opportunity to go see the cute fellas over at the butcher shop. There's always a silver lining...even in a hurricane.

Juice Watch 2011

It's day four of my juice fast and I won't lie to you. I've cheated. Regularly. Usually about once a day I'll eat something small, more because I'm overwhelmed with the need to actually chew something than because I'm actually hungry. Mostly I'll grab a handful of some trail mix I made. I think Monday I may have finished off a bag of tortilla chips with some salsa. It was only about eight chips and I reasoned that I didn't want them to go stale. I really need to square with throwing out food one of these days. I had one spectacular slip, though, which involved a cheeseburger and fries...so not only did I break my fast, but also my intent to not eat out. But it was my first meat day that I was surrendering, which I knew would be the hardest day of the week, and literally EVERYONE at work had beef for lunch. It was torturous. I made a side trip to Steak and Shake. I argued with myself about it the whole way; I argued on the way down the longest hallway ever (seriously, we call it the green mile) to get my keys and all the way back. I argued in the car. But eventually I was at the place and just couldn't not break. Funny thing is, it was pretty awful. I didn't even get that really delicious beef flavor I was after, just grease. The burger tasted like grease with onions....which weren't even supposed to be on the burger in the first place. The fries were worse. The only satisfying things about the meal were that it was hot and it was solid.

I guess I didn't realize that there is a powerful psychology that goes with eating. It isn't just the satisfaction of obtaining sustenance. It isn't solely the filling of nutritional need. If that were the case I'd be sailing through this fast. But there are all the other things I wasn't expecting to miss that make this the most difficult, cheats and all. Let's not even get into the social aspect of mealtime, and feeling a little outcast because I'm drinking my meal instead of chowing down with everyone else. I miss the taunt of the smells of cooked food and the contentment achieved by tasting the corresponding taste. I miss looking at the spread of food before you and deciding which taste to experience first. And there is an immense satisfaction in mastication. I miss the different textures of a meal almost as much as I miss the different tastes. No juice, no matter how delicious (and I've made some really good ones), can live up to that. There's a cycle of anticipation and gratification in every meal that is lacking on a liquid diet. I'm already thinking on what I want my first real meal off the fast to look like.

Hey that reminds me. I think I could really benefit from meal planning. So while I'm not actually eating, I'll take this time to plan out a couple of weeks worth of meals. I recently bought a bunch of discount cookbooks (RIP Borders, I'll miss you), particularly vegetarian cookbooks, since I have trouble coming up with tasty meals that don't include meat. Usually on veggie days I eat an assortment of sides. So I'm going to put those to good use and make some yummies. Maybe having a more structured menu will help me get over my boredom in the kitchen and the need to eat out which accompanies it. The tricky part will be finding the time and inclination to cook it all. Working third shift is tough on free time. During the week I feel like my free time gets eaten up by obligations I have to fulfill while stuff is open. Then by the time I'm done, all I want to do is sleep. Then I only get one free day, in essence, since Friday is usually occupied sleeping or fighting off sleep and Sunday I hurry to get everything done and tire myself out before noon so I can get sleep before work. I'm loath to spend my whole Saturday cooking for the week. I don't know, I'll work out some kind of schedule. I have six more days to figure it out, in any case.