A Bad Week, The Expectation of Failure, and Unexpected Success

So my week goes from Wednesday to Wednesday with this study and last W to W was....shall we say, less than structured. I tried to stick to the diet. I really did. But I may have had an apple fritter...and a sliver of cake...and a couple cans of coke...and some snack size candy bars...some wine.... You get the point.

Needless to say I was not expecting my Wednesday morning weigh in to go very well. I was feeling like a bit of a failure, but determined to shake it off next week. This is not the first time I've slipped when trying to stick to a diet. I've never had a diet quite so restrictive, but the basics are the same. I know the value of shaking off the slip ups and moving forward.

So I weighed in. And to my surprise, I've lost. Still. Considerably. It felt wonderful to know that a little nip of something I desperately wanted didn't sink my goals.

Which I guess brings me to the importance of indulgence. Hear me out here. Remember last post when I was willing to throat punch someone for a doughnut? That craving was pervasive. No matter how many carrots I ate, or how much water I drank, the craving remained. For days. It became all I could think about. Literally, on my route between walking dogs I was thinking about where the nearest doughnut was located. For days. And so I broke and drove out of my way to stop in at Whole Foods for a little taste of baked good. It. Was. Glorious. Do you know what I haven't thought about since that afternoon? A doughnut. So I'm not saying go crazy and order a dozen whatever. I'm saying that a craving that sticks is one you should indulge reasonably. Give yourself ONE and savor it. Trust me the satisfaction you get from your indulgence is it's own reward. Then afterward, once you've finished indulging, shake it off and get back to the grind.

Just be sure you aren't giving yourself too many treats, though. And indulgence at every meal is not indulgence. It's exorbitance. Keep them few and far between, but don't be afraid to have them.

Enduring Food Purgatory

I am not a violent woman. That said, at the moment, I would happily throat punch anyone you set in front of me if the reward were a doughnut.

Now that I'm more than two weeks into this Nutrisystem thing I have far fewer moments of vicious hunger. But just because I'm not hungry does not mean I am not wanting. The diet, by it's nature, means I'm eating an abundance of savory selections. This is problematic to my sugar addiction, which I fully acknowledge. Proteins very rarely tickle the sweet buds and veggies, which I am allowed to gnosh on at will have the same issue. The exception is possibly tomatoes and carrots and they are far from sweet. My one relief of my relentless sugar cravings come in the form of the Nutrisystem snacks. They are the ONLY part of the day I actually look forward to eating and actually enjoy. And it is over in five minutes.

I have a five minute culinary bright spot guys.

I can't even take refuge in fruit. I'm only allowed one fruit serving a day and more often than not the fruit serving is mixed into a yogurt for convenience. And some of my favorite veggies, peas, corn, and sweet potatoes are considered smart carbs and I can really only have them once a week in my flex meal. 

So I find myself in food purgatory, a place where I can eat what I have, but enjoy none of it, and I cannot have what I enjoy. Pretty much the joy has been sucked out of every meal. I love a good meal. And I won't get one for several months. I can't help but find that incredibly disappointing.

I know that there is a whole subset of "eat to live, don't live to eat" people who would say that this is a good thing. That I'm being liberated from my dependency on food. But nothing about this feels like liberation. In fact, I feel more shackled than ever. When I was doing my own thing I managed to lose weight AND enjoy the foods I made. Admittedly, I had to work harder, but I wasn't miserable at the thought of every meal, so I know diet and enjoyment are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps that is why I'm struggling. I know that there is a better way.

On the bright side, there are only 7 1/2 months left. Maybe by then I won't feel the need to maim someone for baked goods.

Call Me Yo-Yo

Hello Blog, it's been a while. So long I may have lost the knack of it. Kind of like I lost the knack of caring. A lot has happened since I last set my fingers to tapping keys. I met someone. We got serious. We fell in love. We got engaged.

We got fat...ter.

For reasons that could probably (and by probably I mean definitely) be its own post, I have also spent the last year and a half or so battling with depression. I only mention this because depression and weight gain almost always go hand in hand. While I have been slowly healing, I have not been watchful of my weight.

Long story short, I am heavier than I have ever been. I am getting older, which means I feel my weight in my body in ways I never have before. I'm constantly fatigued and cannot tell if it's my body craving nutrients or my depression lulling me back to bed. My once sunny disposition finds itself overshadowed by stress and frustration and anger far more frequently than I am comfortable admitting.

So I need a change.

I was driving along and heard an add on the radio. They were looking for overweight women to participate in a study. I fit the qualifications, so I joined. The study is basically comparing weight loss from increased activity vs. caloric restriction and increased activity. When I was told I would be randomized into one or the other I knew that there was a group I wanted to be in and a group I needed to be in. I WANTED to be in the group that got a Fitbit and a fancy scale and a step goal. I wanted to keep my freedom to do what I wanted, indulge as I wanted, all the while claiming I tried. I NEEDED to be placed in the group that still got the Fitbit, fancy scale, and step goal, but also a dietary supplement, a Nutrisystem subscription and a very strict diet to follow.

I was disappointed to be randomized into the latter group...until I realized that this is exactly what I need. I wouldn't have done well on the other plan. I know myself well enough to know that I'd do the bare minimum required of me and call myself participating. This way I have rules and I'm forced to eat less.

Not that I'm not kicking and screaming. I've been on the Nutrisystem diet for almost a week now and I'm about ready to punch someone in the throat. It's not my ideal. I'm constantly hungry. Almost every meal tastes like some variation of Chef Boyardee. If you've read the blog before you know how I feel about processed foods and now that's ALL I'm eating. You also know I prefer to work my way down to a restricted diet gradually and this was literally an overnight change. I've slipped up more than a handful of times this week. Have I mentioned I'm constantly hungry?

BUT it's effective. I've already shed about five pounds. Much of it is water weight, I know, but it's better than no progress. AND I can't think of a better way to reboot once the study is done. Following this diet will break all my worst habits. When the study is over I'll have no trouble taking the best parts of Nutrisystem, the focus on balanced macronutrients and a vegetable heavy diet, and incorporating it into a clean  diet for myself and my fiance.

So I'm working on remaining positive. I'm working on recognizing my hunger based anger...and boy do I get hangry...to reel back my crankiness when it gets the better of me.

And hey, if my future husband can love me through a very stringent diet, when I KNOW how unpleasant I can get, the rest of our lives will be a cake walk.

See....positive!