tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64662375062623518382024-02-19T11:34:06.730-05:00FutureFormerFatChickThis blog is a chronicle of one fat chick's efforts to lose over 100 lbs in 2012.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-54851401053369202482018-01-13T11:57:00.001-05:002018-02-18T12:17:25.328-05:00The Clothing Conundrum<p dir="ltr">Do you all remember being a kid at Christmas and one of your relatives that you never see got you some piece of clothing that was WAY too big with the promise that "you'll grow into it"? And you did grow into it and you came to love it, or like it enough to include it in your normal rotation at least. Then little by little those clothes got tighter and tighter until one day you had to admit you grew right back out of that thing you loved.  Giving it up was hard becaise it was dear, or at the very least familiar. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This is happening to me in reverse. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have more clothes than any one woman can feasibly argue is necessary. Some of them I should have parted with a long time ago, but I have a sentimental streak and hate letting go of things with memories attached. Most of my clothes, however, are relatively newish and had gotten a little snug by the time I started this study. Now that I'm seven months in and more than fifty pounds down I find that I have shrunk into my clothing. More importantly, I am beginning to shrink my way out of them again. My pants have literally been falling off my body. I am in desperate need of a belt. A sweatshirt or two is practically a balloon on me. As it turns out, I may soon need all of those clothes that became too small a long time ago.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Here is the conundrum. How loose is too loose? Because I have to pretend to be somewhat professional in the workplace. And I can't afford to restock my wardrobe every six months and fifty pounds. Even my stretchy pants are baggy at this point so stretchy pants aren't promising to be much of a solution. At what point is my wardrobe a lost cause? Not that I'm not looking forward to bidding my fat girl clothes farewell, but I need to find a solution to stay decent in the meantime. </p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-29978076001936651222017-12-08T12:43:00.001-05:002017-12-09T21:41:58.891-05:00Obsession, Self Sabatoge, and Moving the Goalpost<p dir="ltr">I have a confession. I'm incredibly impatient. I thrive off of instant gratification. I'm also a completionist and a perfectionist. Once I commit to doing something I want results and I want them perfect and I want them now. These character quirks make me an amazingly efficient asset in the workplace and a really shitty dieter. I'm sure you can understand how. Dieting is slow and circuitous and continuous. There is no instant, no perfect, no complete. To combat this I set small goals and become obsessive about reaching them. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I hate the word obsessive. I especially hate it when it is applied to myself, but it's the only acccurate adjective to describe weighing yourself five times in a row to get the best reading, or feeling genuinely upset that you can't find accurate calorie information on a food you just ate. Or deciding not to eat at all because you had a donut the day before. Which leads me to my next confession: I have some serious concerns about how this diet is shaping my relationship with food. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Nutrisystem is basically systematic starvation. They recommend a daily intake of 1200 to 1300 calories, regardless of activity level. To put that in perspective, the general recommendation for a moderately active adult woman is 2200 calories. Each meal is between 130 to 270 calories and you are expected to eat six times a day. My nutrition has been reduced to a math problem and I am constantly obsessing over the bottom line. For example, my fiance and I went to lunch at a salad restaurant and I remember thinking I couldn't even eat there because the salads started at 330 calories. I'm not even talking about those salads that are more meat and cheese and dressing than veggies. This was the good stuff with 2 oz, if that, of grilled chicken and a drizzle of homemade low cal dressing. It's the kind of meal decision that I would have been proud of myself for making 6 years ago. But now I couldn't even eat lunch without calculating where else I could cut back to compensate for the meal I was eating, or if I should write the whole day off as a loss and start over tomorrow. It might just be me, but I don't think a <i>salad</i> should be the thing that sends you into a full blown diet crisis. Even my fiance told me that he missed when we made our choices based on what was in our food and not just the calorie content. I agree with him. Making a balanced, satisfying, nutritious meal from whole foods that is less than 300 calories is nearly impossible to do. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I can't honestly say that being so strict on my calorie intake has been effective. In fact, I've been struggling with a plateau for most of last month. It wasn't until that terrible Thanksgiving that I finally dropped some weight. I'm fairly certain that when you factor in my increase in activity, I haven't been eating enough. When I was at my strictest my weight never waivered, but once I started allowing myself a few more calories in the day, it fell off. So now I'm fighting against my tendency towards  restriction to find some balance, and I'm being rewarded for it. I met my latest weight loss goal! I'm below 130 kg (285lbs). </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now that I've met my goal, I'm trying very hard not to self sabatoge. I have a tendency to decide I "deserve" a "reward". My rewards usually come in the form of a million little cheats. Like two pieces of boxed chocolate one day...or a graham cracker fluffer nutter...or a doughnut...or some wine, which individually would be fine. It would be that indulgence I wrote about a few blogs ago. But indulging day after day is no longer a treat, but a trend. So far I'm doing well to avoid a trend of indulgence, but I just reached my goal like three days ago, so give it time!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Lastly,  now that I've reached a goal, it's time to move the goalpost. I've decided on my former lowest weight ever. It's ambitious, but I'm confident I can get there. It may be a while before I meet a goal again. I'm looking forward to it!</p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-74880020429943789142017-11-25T14:04:00.001-05:002017-11-25T14:07:27.332-05:00Thanksgiving Lite<p dir="ltr">I've always loved Thanksgiving. I love the eating, but more than that I love the sense of accomplishment of putting together a feast. Seriously, I lose my freaking mind. I go for a huge turkey and a million sides, even when it was just me. I've gotten my system of massive food production down to a science. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Unfortunately my system was worth exactly nothing this year. My traditional feast...like every bit of it...was loaded with fat and carbohydrates that the nutrisystem meal plan frowns upon. I got three emails from my study coordinator reminding me to enjoy the holidays in moderation. My fiance even commented on how Thanksgiving was going to suck this year because I can't eat any of the good stuff. Needless to say, I felt pressure to prove that a healthier Thanksgiving was not only possible, but also incredibly delicious. I looked up recipe after recipe. I had a plan. I was going to make turkey, of course, as well as whipped carrots, mashed cauliflower, sweet potato gnocci, corn soufflé, sautéed green beans with mushrooms, caprese asparagus, and butternut squash macaroni and cheese (because something has to be fatty and cheesy). </p>
<p dir="ltr">Here's the thing: this was beyond a doubt the most frustrating, disappointing Thanksgiving meal I have ever made. First off, due to a complete lack of reading comprehension, we only had half a turkey because we picked up a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey. That's fine, I told myself, breast meat is healthier anyway. The cook times on the package, however, were clearly the stock intructions for the whole turkey because it was finished two hours early. Which might have been fine if I weren't sidetracked for an hour trying to make the sweet potato gnocci work. After following the instructions I ended up with a sticky mess that had twice the flour in it than was called for and a headache. So that recipe was out the window. My fiance did the mac and cheese because I had dogs to go walk. They were the best part of our entire meal. I went to make the whipped carrots, which were supposed to have orange and mint, and confused it with the recipe for the cauliflower, which had thyme and garlic. Those, however, were salvageable because garlic and thyme in carrots is delicious. At this point the turkey and mac & cheese had been done about an hour and I decided to scrap the green beans, which I hadn't yet cleaned, the asparagus, which I hadn't yet trimmed and which need the oven (which was occupied keeping the mac and turkey warm)  to roast, and the corn sufflé which I hadn't yet stripped the corn off the cob. That left me with mashed cauliflower. I didn't have a steamer big enough so I tried steaming in my colander, only to have the steam lead to misshapen legs on it. So that took longer than planned. Then my little 4 quart food processor took very small batches to mash. I walked away in frustration while my fiance finished that. And that was dinner. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Y'all. I'm going to rant here.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyone who insists that cauliflower is an adequate substitute for potatoes is lying to themselves and others. Don't get me wrong. I like cauliflower. I eat it raw, steamed, or roasted. I will never again, and I do mean NEVER, mash that shit and try to pretend it's at all potato like. They came out watery and gross. After squeezing and draining. In spite of having delicious additions like ricotta and toasted garlic and thyme, it was overwhelmingly cauliflowery. It leads me to question what kind of potatoes people who claim they can't tell the difference have been fed. Mashed cauliflower bears only a superficial resemblance to mashed potatoes and all other aspects were so incredibly not worth the amount of effort it takes to force cauliflower into an unnatural state of being. I'll stick to roasting, thanks.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So sum total: One very dry overcooked half a turkey. Check. One side, as planned, unhealthy. Check. One healthy side, delicious, but not at all as planned. Check. One gross mush that neither of us ate. Check. It was a pretty disappointing meal and I literally cried over it. I haven't had a Thanksgiving meal go this badly since I moved into my first apartment and tried to do the whole thing with two pots a pan and an aluminum serving tray. </p>
<p dir="ltr">BUT I have an incredibly supportive partner who encouraged me the whole day, and took over when I was just about ready to literally throw the entire meal out the door. I'm not kidding. I got two tasty sides and some turkey that tasted good, but definitelt needed some water to go down right. I got the absolute conviction that cauliflower is never replacing potatoes (or, by extension rice) in this house again. And I have some things to cook tomorrow. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And there's always next year.</p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-69660490893933998452017-10-27T12:53:00.001-04:002017-10-27T12:53:36.655-04:00Breaking 300<p dir="ltr">I'm not a believer in shame. It does more harm than good and rarely generates a positive outcome. The things I'm ashamed of can be counted on less than a hand. My weight has come to be one of them. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Here's a confession that is difficult for me to make. At my heaviest, at the beginning of this study, I was 330 pounds. There. I said it. 330. Which is even higher than my last great shame and the point at which I stopped looking at the scale. Because my response to shame has always been avoidance. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Besides, 330 felt a lot like 315, which felt a lot like 300. Same fat, different number.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I weighed in today. The scale read 136kg even. For my non-metric folks that's 299.89 lbs. I've once again broken the 300 threshold. In doing so I realize it's not the same fat as 330. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I could notice a difference in the mirror. I can't. But I DO notice the difference in my legs, my knees, and my back. The little aches that had built up over time and became normal, everyday sensations without my notice are a little father and a little fewer between. <br></p>
<p dir="ltr">And that is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.<br>
</p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-8062814995953660482017-09-29T01:50:00.001-04:002017-09-29T01:50:36.689-04:00A Bad Week, The Expectation of Failure, and Unexpected Success<p dir="ltr">So my week goes from Wednesday to Wednesday with this study and last W to W was....shall we say, less than structured. I tried to stick to the diet. I really did. But I may have had an apple fritter...and a sliver of cake...and a couple cans of coke...and some snack size candy bars...some wine.... You get the point.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Needless to say I was not expecting my Wednesday morning weigh in to go very well. I was feeling like a bit of a failure, but determined to shake it off next week. This is not the first time I've slipped when trying to stick to a diet. I've never had a diet quite so restrictive, but the basics are the same. I know the value of shaking off the slip ups and moving forward. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So I weighed in. And to my surprise, I've lost. Still. Considerably. It felt wonderful to know that a little nip of something I desperately wanted didn't sink my goals. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Which I guess brings me to the importance of indulgence. Hear me out here. Remember last post when I was willing to throat punch someone for a doughnut? That craving was pervasive. No matter how many carrots I ate, or how much water I drank, the craving remained. For days. It became all I could think about. Literally, on my route between walking dogs I was thinking about where the nearest doughnut was located. For days. And so I broke and drove out of my way to stop in at Whole Foods for a little taste of baked good. It. Was. Glorious. Do you know what I haven't thought about since that afternoon? A doughnut. So I'm not saying go crazy and order a dozen whatever. I'm saying that a craving that sticks is one you should indulge reasonably. Give yourself ONE and savor it. Trust me the satisfaction you get from your indulgence is it's own reward. Then afterward, once you've finished indulging, shake it off and get back to the grind.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Just be sure you aren't giving yourself too many treats, though. And indulgence at every meal is not indulgence. It's exorbitance. Keep them few and far between, but don't be afraid to have them. </p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-70577150836463932632017-09-21T13:49:00.001-04:002017-09-21T13:49:19.596-04:00Enduring Food Purgatory<p dir="ltr">I am not a violent woman. That said, at the moment, I would happily throat punch anyone you set in front of me if the reward were a doughnut. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now that I'm more than two weeks into this Nutrisystem thing I have far fewer moments of vicious hunger. But just because I'm not hungry does not mean I am not wanting. The diet, by it's nature, means I'm eating an abundance of savory selections. This is problematic to my sugar addiction, which I fully acknowledge. Proteins very rarely tickle the sweet buds and veggies, which I am allowed to gnosh on at will have the same issue. The exception is possibly tomatoes and carrots and they are far from sweet. My one relief of my relentless sugar cravings come in the form of the Nutrisystem snacks. They are the ONLY part of the day I actually look forward to eating and actually enjoy. And it is over in five minutes. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have a five minute culinary bright spot guys. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I can't even take refuge in fruit. I'm only allowed one fruit serving a day and more often than not the fruit serving is mixed into a yogurt for convenience. And some of my favorite veggies, peas, corn, and sweet potatoes are considered smart carbs and I can really only have them once a week in my flex meal.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">So I find myself in food purgatory, a place where I can eat what I have, but enjoy none of it, and I cannot have what I enjoy. Pretty much the joy has been sucked out of every meal. I love a good meal. And I won't get one for several months. I can't help but find that incredibly disappointing. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I know that there is a whole subset of "eat to live, don't live to eat" people who would say that this is a good thing. That I'm being liberated from my dependency on food. But nothing about this feels like liberation. In fact, I feel more shackled than ever. When I was doing my own thing I managed to lose weight <b><i>AND</i></b> enjoy the foods I made. Admittedly, I had to work harder, but I wasn't miserable at the thought of every meal, so I know diet and enjoyment are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps that is why I'm struggling. I know that there is a better way. </p>
<p dir="ltr">On the bright side, there are only 7 1/2 months left. Maybe by then I won't feel the need to maim someone for baked goods.</p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-28519523610907902862017-09-12T15:52:00.001-04:002017-09-12T15:53:01.079-04:00Call Me Yo-Yo<p dir="ltr">Hello Blog, it's been a while. So long I may have lost the knack of it. Kind of like I lost the knack of caring. A lot has happened since I last set my fingers to tapping keys. I met someone. We got serious. We fell in love. We got engaged. </p>
<p dir="ltr">We got fat...ter.</p>
<p dir="ltr">For reasons that could probably (and by probably I mean definitely) be its own post, I have also spent the last year and a half or so battling with depression. I only mention this because depression and weight gain almost always go hand in hand. While I have been slowly healing, I have not been watchful of my weight.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Long story short, I am heavier than I have ever been. I am getting older, which means I feel my weight in my body in ways I never have before. I'm constantly fatigued and cannot tell if it's my body craving nutrients or my depression lulling me back to bed. My once sunny disposition finds itself overshadowed by stress and frustration and anger far more frequently than I am comfortable admitting. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So I need a change. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I was driving along and heard an add on the radio. They were looking for overweight women to participate in a study. I fit the qualifications, so I joined. The study is basically comparing weight loss from increased activity vs. caloric restriction and increased activity. When I was told I would be randomized into one or the other I knew that there was a group I wanted to be in and a group I needed to be in. I <i>WANTED</i> to be in the group that got a Fitbit and a fancy scale and a step goal. I wanted to keep my freedom to do what I wanted, indulge as I wanted, all the while claiming I tried. I <i>NEEDED</i> to be placed in the group that still got the Fitbit, fancy scale, and step goal, but also a dietary supplement, a Nutrisystem subscription and a very strict diet to follow. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I was disappointed to be randomized into the latter group...until I realized that this is exactly what I need. I wouldn't have done well on the other plan. I know myself well enough to know that I'd do the bare minimum required of me and call myself participating. This way I have rules and I'm forced to eat less.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Not that I'm not kicking and screaming. I've been on the Nutrisystem diet for almost a week now and I'm about ready to punch someone in the throat. It's not my ideal. I'm constantly hungry. Almost every meal tastes like some variation of Chef Boyardee. If you've read the blog before you know how I feel about processed foods and now that's ALL I'm eating. You also know I prefer to work my way down to a restricted diet gradually and this was literally an overnight change. I've slipped up more than a handful of times this week. Have I mentioned I'm constantly hungry?</p>
<p dir="ltr">BUT it's effective. I've already shed about five pounds. Much of it is water weight, I know, but it's better than no progress. AND I can't think of a better way to reboot once the study is done. Following this diet will break all my worst habits. When the study is over I'll have no trouble taking the best parts of Nutrisystem, the focus on balanced macronutrients and a vegetable heavy diet, and incorporating it into a clean  diet for myself and my fiance.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So I'm working on remaining positive. I'm working on recognizing my hunger based anger...and boy do I get hangry...to reel back my crankiness when it gets the better of me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And hey, if my future husband can love me through a very stringent diet, when I KNOW how unpleasant I can get, the rest of our lives will be a cake walk. </p>
<p dir="ltr">See....positive!</p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-3652278446786314722013-05-21T21:29:00.001-04:002013-05-22T00:07:14.368-04:00Reconnecting<p dir=ltr>At first all I felt was trepidation and a bone deep surety that I'd be judged and found wanting. They mingled together, culminating in the dull throb of my heartbeat at the base of my throat. After all it had been years. What if I had forgotten how? I wrestled with the idea of turning around and heading home, but I was already at the front desk and Virginia, the woman behind it,  was smiling at me expectantly. After a brief internal conversation where I reminded myself there was absolutely no reason to feel nervous I tentatively told her why I'd come. I wanted to use the pool. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I thought the pool would be a good alternative to dry cardio,  which lately has left my legs aching. My logic was that alternating between aquatic and cardio workouts would spare my legs some pain. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I hadn't done more than splash about in the pool for years. I slipped into the water and took a deep, slow breath, unsure of what would come next. When I struck out with my first few strokes it felt just slightly less awkward than I expected.  I'm by no means a pro but I wasn't floundering. I made my way from one end of the pool to the other.  It was slow and left me gasping, but after about three goes I realized something. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I remembered how much I loved to swim.  I had forgotten how peaceful I found the world of pulse and breath that I've only found with my head submerged. After each pass I felt a bit more accomplished. I ended up staying until the center closed. Even then I was totally willing to do more swimming. In the end I've reconnected with a live I'd forgotten and got a good workout all at once. </p>
<p dir=ltr>We'll have to do this again sometime. </p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-52280315966415950072013-04-29T10:02:00.001-04:002013-04-29T10:02:36.749-04:00Sweat-tastic...twice a day.<p dir=ltr>The picture is me all shiny after my first workout of the day.  Thank goodness I don't get gross sweaty.  I've decided to do the workout thing twice a day for a while. I've also taken to using a couch to 5k program.  This means I'm running.  I hate running,  but I have a goal to do a color run this year. Running is a means to an end.  </p>
<p dir=ltr>I also chose to increase my exercising because I've totally slacked off for my first few weeks in the fitness challenge.  I disappointed myself by not getting into the spirit of it,  which was the entire point.  So here's what I've done.  I wrote up a calendar for the next five weeks that has a checklist on it for each of my workouts.  This way if I skip it's staring at me instead of being easily forgotten. So far it's a theory that works.  Of course this is only the second day. Let's see how long I can keep it up! </p>
<div class='separator' style='clear: both; text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9sustArNwRG5ngIwmGKsKOsnICQL1ARRRA9ovEVuavYMpX32OO0BPd7h-LJlCGWMoIiNvRjIeIWESPrLJOxOwl0fF3SCsYC-9nb2_oB1VUD6-auasmfLDU0fIbxbELLb5EVHba10DzT4/s1600/1367242976432.jpg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9sustArNwRG5ngIwmGKsKOsnICQL1ARRRA9ovEVuavYMpX32OO0BPd7h-LJlCGWMoIiNvRjIeIWESPrLJOxOwl0fF3SCsYC-9nb2_oB1VUD6-auasmfLDU0fIbxbELLb5EVHba10DzT4/s640/1367242976432.jpg' /> </a> </div>FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-16110117561899108042013-04-18T17:02:00.001-04:002013-04-18T17:03:26.416-04:00Challenge!!!<p dir=ltr>I entered a fitness competition.  I have eight weeks to lose as much as possible. The competition is run but Herbalife, but I see an opportunity to push myself back into the healthy lifestyle I had attained. I weighed myself today and lost a pound which ain't nothin' but it's also not enough. I originally signed up because my friend is doing it and I figured I could at least use it as motivation to hop back on the health train. Now I want to win. I need to at least give it my all. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Long story short I have gained all but 20 of my lost pounds back. I feel like everything in my life has spiraled out of  control. I no longer even pretend like I'm living a healthy life. I'm not sure when this slide started but it has to stop and it has to stop today. I've never been a sit and wait kind of girl,  so why do I keep waiting on a perfect moment of readiness to change?  The truth is there is no perfect moment. There is no switch that flips off the urge to eat cookies and drink soda and take a nap instead of a walk.  Jump starts require an electric jolt and a sudden change and a little bit of pain too.  If it were easy everyone would do it. If it were fun it wouldn't be so hard. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I have a new motto: don't make excuses, make changes. </p>
<p dir=ltr>So right this moment I'm making a change. I'm taking a walk instead of a nap. And I'm not waiting for any perfect moments to do it. <br>
</p>
FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-57361795957300642362012-08-28T14:40:00.001-04:002012-08-28T14:40:12.817-04:00The Impetus For ChangeDissatisfaction is the impetus for change. When we are satisfied, we grow complacent. Human nature follows the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy. And, really it makes sense. If things are good, if things are just as you like them, why on earth would you want to muck up a system that works? Answer: you don't. That's why people generally have to be pretty darn miserable to change, well, anything. I mention this because I've gotten to a pretty darn miserable place. Now I'm not saying this to garner any concern or pity. I am, in fact, encouraged by my utter dissatisfaction with the way my weight loss journey is going. I've written recently about falling off the wagon once again, and this time I'm finding myself having a particularly hard time getting back in the sucker. In fact, my wagon is moving forward, full speed ahead, dragging me in its wake. But to day I had a realization. This is going to sound a lot worse than it is, I promise you. I realized I hate my reflection. I know this smacks of a discouraging sense of self image, but that isn't at all where I come from here.<br />
<br />
I'll be honest, my reflection and I have never really seen eye to eye. Like most women I have a hypersensitivity to what I consider my flaws. Regardless of what anyone else sees, I have always seen glaring flaws in my reflection. This has led to a dearth of mirrors in my home...as in I own none. That's right, not one. The only mirrors I have access to are those that come with my living establishment and those I rarely look into. More importantly, my mirrors mainly focus on the face. They are not full body mirrors. So I walk around, often, with a vague concept of how my body looks. I'll see other overweight women and try to mentally compare how we carry our weight to try to garner an impression of what I look like to others. The truth is I'm still not sure how I present myself. But lately I've been seeing a lot of me, not in mirrors, but in windows. Storefront windows and glass doors at night are great for bouncing a reflection of you around. I also saw me on a security cam. In every single occasion that I've seen myself in the past week I've been really, really disappointed in me. To me, the person I see is not representative of the person I am, and I need to change that.<br />
<br />
Now I fully understand that what I'm seeing in the mirror is unavoidable. I'm in transition. The way I have lost weight so far, it's as if I'm shrinking from my extremities inwards. The result is that my forearms and lower legs are smaller. My face, neck, and chest are smaller. My gut and my hips...not smaller. So I <i>feel</i> like I <i>look </i> fatter. What I need to do is put my nose to the grindstone and go ahead and transition already. But I've been caught up lately in a web of inconvenience and excuses which just adds to the dissatisfaction I'm feeling.<br />
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Never fear. Hope is in sight. In about two weeks my work schedule will be changing. Instead of having a broken day, all of my work will be in one giant block of time. This will be great, because it means that I'll be able to use my time more efficiently. I'll be able to get back into the gym without it being an exhausting ordeal. I'll be able to cook again without having to balance my schedule first. I'm really looking forward to it. My time of excuses is coming to an end, and I see change on the horizon.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-1752327020360137912012-08-09T06:31:00.000-04:002012-08-09T06:31:00.803-04:00Oh! What A Difference The Meat MakesOf all the things I've given up, I miss my meat the most. Anyone who knows me knows that I have an affection for animal flesh that borders on the verge of unhealthy obsession. Sure, I can't stand the consistency of animal fat and you couldn't come off of enough green to make me eat chicken skin. Well, you <i>could</i>, but it would have to be a HEFTY chunk of change. In a way, that's been a saving grace for me. I don't really enjoy fried chicken because all the crunchy tasty is attached to icky skin. I avoid some of the more popular cuts of beef and pork because they're extra fatty. But nice, lean, muscle mass cooked to perfection? YUM. It saddened me to restrict my meat intake to twice a week. I really struggled with it, but I kept it up for over a year. It seems that may have been just enough time to forget why I cut back on my meat to begin with. Last week, I broke my eating pattern to have meat every day. I told myself that I was experimenting. I told myself that maybe I could include more meat in my weekly planning. I told myself that perhaps my original logic for cutting out the meat was flawed in the first place. I told myself a lot of things. In reality it was all a cover for the fact that I missed meat and really, really, <i>really</i> wanted it. Every day.<br />
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So I indulged.<br />
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And it showed...on the scale. A lot.<br />
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Now to be fair, I'm still not sure it's so much the meat itself as it was the way I was eating it. It wasn't as if I was eating grilled chicken breasts all week. I was eating Mexican, burgers, Chinese, chicken nuggets...basically anything my greedy little carnivore heart desired. I mean, if the goal was clean eating, I was eating as smutty as it gets. Add on a few sodas and some sweets and I found a lot of my hard work blown. To the discordant tune of ten pounds. Crazy what a week can do, right? So THIS week I'm back to my schedule...even if it is difficult, not to mention tedious, to explain to people. <br />
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This leads me to another problem I'm encountering. With my dog walking, I am out of the house a solid three hours in the middle of the day and any time outside of that has been dedicated to sleeping. It's tricky, since I want to avoid getting into bed much beyond 3pm, because then I can't get enough sleep. Then I drag at work and leave exhausted. Trouble is I get so focused on the fact that I have to sleep that I don't sleep and I leave exhausted anyway. So I nap BEFORE walking dogs, just so I can stay on my feet. Long story short, I don't get time to cook, what with all the sleeping...or trying to sleep. And I'll have less once I dedicate myself to hitting the gym with my workout partner to be. This means I have far fewer healthy options at my disposal and have been relying on fast food and quick fixes. This is also a contributor to my ten pound slide. I keep telling myself (a theme this posting) that one...maybe two... good night's rest will put me back on track and I can get my cooking done before my walking and then sleep like a baby after the gym. That's been the plan, anyway, for the past few weeks and I've yet to implement it. I'm thinking of other options. Maybe I need to cook all my meals for the week on Friday or Saturday. I hesitate to say Saturday because it really is the only day out of seven on which I can be social. I'd hate to give up my only chance at human interaction to spend time slaving in the kitchen. Or I can suck it up and run on less sleep. I've done it before, but I get cranky and that can tend to be...unpleasant...for those whom I work with. But I hesitate to do that because I don't want to trade one unhealthy behavior for another. Plus, sleep deprivation is counterproductive in the weight loss game. Anybody have any suggestions?FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-36965135392861951412012-08-07T02:30:00.001-04:002012-08-07T02:42:19.409-04:00Hello AgainSO a lot has happened since I last typed. I've been getting a lot of feedback. There have been a lot of people who have said they read, and honestly it made me feel bad that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain here. So this is kind of a guilt posting, but isn't that the whole point? Wasn't the idea to be held accountable in the first place. Success is bittersweet, it seems. On the other hand, my blog has been weighing heavily on my mind lately...okay, not so heavily, but it has been flitting through my head with astonishing regularity. <br />
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So what is this "a lot" I speak of? In no particular order: I left the country. I have been asked to be in a wedding. My weight has bobbled from 262 to 278 and back again. And back again. I got a second job and was informed that I'll be losing my first one. I may have found a workout partner...that may cover it. If I think of more I'll let you know. <br />
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Oh yeah, and I turned 30. To celebrate the death of my twenties I hied myself off to Costa Rica. It's always been somewhere I wanted to go and I was determined to have a stamp in my passport by the big 3-0. It was gorgeous, but I'll admit that I've never been as conscious of being an overweight American in my life. The people in Costa Rico, who call themselves Ticos, are much smaller, in general. I think in the entire week I was there I may have seen two extra fleshy Ticos. And they talk about you. Seriously. I went ziplining and felt like a fat-ass when they gave me a double harness. Oh, yeah, that felt good. And then one of the guides made a comment that included the words "que larga". I'm not fluent, but I do know "how big" en espanol. Then lets talk about when I went scuba diving and the horror that was getting in and out of a wetsuit. Listening to the teeny tiny Tico man snicker as we try to wiggle me into the super sized suit. Even the horses were in on it! I went horseback riding twice and one nearly flatly refused to keep walking and the other kept turning his head to glare at me. I spent at least half of my vacation embarrassed of my size. <br />
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It was easy for me to see why the Tico culture lends to smaller individuals. The transportation there is usually your feet. When it's too far to walk they'll bike. Compared to the US there were relatively few automobiles. And the food is different there, too. Here, clean eating is a movement. There it's a way of life. I didn't have a single processed food during my entire stay. Everything was all natural, mostly local, and really fresh. They also aren't much for cheeses or other dairy. So the diet is mainly protein, vegetables, and rice. Rice and beans with a side of plantain and optional meats, there called casado, is a typical meal. I had it a lot. Can you say delicious? It is now a goal to figure out how to properly make my own casado. <br />
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But let's move on. Returning from Costa Rica, I was more determined to eat better, but didn't. I could make excuses, but the truth is that I just didn't want to cook. I didn't want to shop. I wanted to make healthier choices, but didn't want to do all the work involved. I've been incredibly lazy. I continue to be lazy. I acknowledge this, but acknowledgement is not enough. I was very active on my trip, so I came back lighter than I left. I ruined it, of course, by my frequent trips to fast food establishments. I've made a few half hearted attempts to get my eating under control, but I can't quite commit. It's why my weight has yoyo'd. I've been working with MyFitnessPal, on and off. I had been consistent, but I fell off of that wagon. Like any other, it's hard to crawl back onto it. <br />
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In order to be more active, in general, I got a second job walking dogs. I really enjoy it, in spite of the summer heat. It was my plan to keep going to the gym (which we can talk about in a moment) and walk dogs so that I wasn't spending so much time lying around the house. In truth I find myself so exhausted (more excuses, I know) that I spend all my spare time sleeping. In order to combat that, I've found myself a gym buddy. Let's talk about the gym...more importantly, how I haven't been in it. My gym attendance has been terrible. I really need to make my fitness a priority, but I clearly don't possess the impetus to do it on my own, so I've gone to an outside source. We haven't started working out together, but I really hope this keeps me in line. Particularly since I need to get myself together before I make my first bridesmaids appearance. We all know there is always one pitiful bridesmaid and I refuse to be it. <br />
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So I think now you're all caught up. I won't torture you further. I'll try to be more consistent. Yeah, yeah, you've heard it before.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-6925049678816669572012-02-11T13:51:00.000-05:002012-02-11T13:51:51.177-05:00Holy Clavicles, Batman!Short, but sweet today.<br />
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A benchmark of my success has always been a clavicle sighting. I tend to hold weight around my neck. Attractive, I know. Due to all this extra neck fat my clavicles have become mysterious, mythical entities. Kind of like Bigfoot, I've heard that my clavicles exist, but I've not seen them so I'm skeptical. But slowly, very slowly, something has been happening. As I've lost weight my clavicles have been making peek-a-boo appearances on odd occasions. When I'd shrug or take a deep breath they'd surface briefly and then retreat to wherever it is they go during day to day operation.<br />
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Today I looked in the mirror and saw my clavicles without the shrug or the deep breath. They were faint, but they were there, two slightly canted horizontal slashes just below my neck. They were glorious. Laugh if you like, but the sight of a standard portion of my anatomy elated me. They also count as a pretty solid reaffirmation that I'm headed in the right direction. Who knew two little bones could make my day?FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-42750954971164182522012-02-03T09:21:00.001-05:002012-02-03T09:32:50.075-05:00Starting OverDon't die. I know it's a shock. Unexpected as it is, you may be totally unprepared for this.<br />
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I'm back to blogging. <br />
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I missed you. Sorry I stayed away so long. To make a long story short I hit a hell of a plateau which sparked a little bit of a funk and a very long hiatus from my pursuit of health. Oh I kept up token concepts, like my scheduled eating days, but a vegetarian day doesn't do much for you when you fill it up with pizza, ice cream, and grilled cheese sammiches. Hey, they're meat free so they count. I might have even put veggies on the pizza. My shaky logic showed in my waistline. Here's where I am with my weight: pretty much the same place I was in October. I'm actually up about 5 pounds, that being after I lost 5 in Vegas, gained about 10 while I recovered(we'll get back to that), got a little depressed and stopped eating , thus losing 5, then going on a cruise and finding 10, and finally getting back on the wagon and losing 5. That was confusing. Imagine how I feel. <br />
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Okay, so to make a long story long I have to take you back, WAY back, to October 2011. The last thing you heard from me, I had given up my health plan in favor of Las Vegas, Nevada. Well I went to Sin City and actually didn't go insane on all the food there. Add in walking about five miles a day due to the incredibly deceptive distance of things in the desert and I came back a little more than five pounds lighter. I also came back much, much lazier. The fact that I had an empty fridge and an empty wallet meant that I was looking for cheap easy ways to feed myself for about two weeks. Hello, cheap pizza; goodbye, five pounds of progress. Since I fell off a mule, yes I said mule, and seriously injured my knee, working out was, well, out. This, of course, did not do much for my resolve. In case you wondered, there's only so much of a five month plateau a sane person can take without questioning the point of doing something. Since my diet and exercise regimen were pretty much shot, I decided I no longer cared. The holiday season was upon me, and frankly I've never been one to pass up Thanksgiving in spite of the fact that I typically have at least two full blown Thanksgiving meals to attend. None of that stuff is particularly <em>good </em>for you, even the homemade stuff. After Thanksgiving I gave in to the terrible urge to step on the scale and promptly decided not to eat ever again. Of course, that's silly. One must eat. I did, however, totally abandon my appetite. I just had no inclination to put food in my mouth and enjoy it. Since I was only eating once or twice a day(I'd eat at work so nobody would ask me if something was wrong. Why is it that people think asking if everything is okay is a good idea? If something is wrong do you really think I appreciate you making me talk to <em>you</em> about it? Really? Sorry, minor rant over.) I lost around five pounds in the three weeks or so that I kept that up. Christmas came and went, as did New Years, without significant impact on my weight. Then I went on my 2012 Vacation Blitz. I went to Disneyworld the second weekend of January subsiding mostly on peanut butter sandwiches, home bake pizza, and fast food. Yummy....also, super healthy...right? No? Well okay, how about the floating smorgasbord Carnival calls a cruise liner? It wasn't that the food was particularly horrible. It was that it was available 24 hrs a day. Do you know what constant grazing on sub par cruise fare gets you? I do. Ten pounds heavier, that's what. I did have some really delicious, high quality, healthy food while visiting my Miami friend. I then ruined that trend by demanding a stop at Miami Subs(which, by the way, almost made me miss my flight). I returned to a sad number on my scale, a fridge that was once again empty, and restless energy I could never quite dispel. I bought a bunch of brown rice and canned veggies and stuff for grilled cheese sammiches(it's an addiction, get off me!) to combat my empty fridge. I hit the gym to combat the restless energy and the sad scale number.<br />
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I bought a used ipod touch. This is relevant only because it allowed me to access a calorie counting app called MyFitnessPal. I like it. I will be the first to admit that I'm way too lazy to calorie count on my own. It's a lot of effort. This app, however, allows me to see in a tangible way exactly how much I'm eating with relative ease. They have a database of foods that I can access wherever I happen to be, whenever I happen to be eating. My job is to search and choose my foods; the app does the rest. If I can't find it, I can add to the database. When I'm cooking I can enter all my individual ingredients and how many servings it makes and this thing does the math for me and will enter a per serving calorie and nutrient count. I'm in love. So far, I've seen a little progress and have lost at least two pounds in my first week and a half. I haven't weighed myself recently so it may be more than that by now. Now if I can only convince myself that I do not need to eat up all the calories I burn working out just because my app tells me I can I might just make it off my plateau.<br />
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Anyhow, I took a hard look at the last year and I've decided I tried to do too much, too fast. So now I'm going back to the last place I saw success and starting to build from there. I'm still working out all the details, but when I know, you'll know.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-40729546022913567432011-10-20T12:38:00.000-04:002011-10-20T12:38:50.119-04:00The Hunger ConundrumI've found that, when it comes to the subject of hunger and weight loss, people tend to be in two camps. Camp one says you should constantly graze on low calorie small meals in order to stave off hunger pains and avoid stuffing your face to the extreme when you get hungry. I understand the logic. When you wait until you're hungry to try to locate food you're ravenous by the time you find food and are, therefor, much more likely to give in to the impulse to eat yourself into a stupor. I've been there, and it is no good. Camp two says you shouldn't be eating unless you're hungry. Mindless grazing, according to camp two-ers, doesn't do anyone any favors as there is no clear indicator of "enough". I understand the logic. If you aren't eating off of cues that signal you to start eating, how on earth can you expect to react to cues signaling you to stop. A snack in the name of weight loss can very easily become a snack, a post snack-snack, a pre-meal snack, and a salty snack to balance the flavor of the sweet post-meal snack you just had. I've been there, and it's no good. So where's the good? Personally I've been thinking the good falls somewhere in the middle. Forcing yourself to eat just to "boost your metabolism" is no healthier than starving yourself to "eat only when your body needs nourishment". I tried, and failed, setting an alarm to remind me to eat a very small portion of something every 2.5 hours. I think I failed miserably because I just had no inclination to eat. At all. And when I did feel a little peckish, it was totally outside of my schedule. I say if food is on your mind, even if you don't feel the tummy rumbles yet, grab yourself a little something. In all likelihood that's your body's way of gearing up to get hungry in a few and you should probably cut it off at the pass. And, as always, control is key. Pick something relatively light and full of good stuff. I've found that the more nutrient dense a meal, the less frequently I want to eat. For example, I'm currently hungry. I can't settle, however, on anything I really want to eat. On second thought, that didn't have anything to do with anything aside from my blog topic. I must need to eat.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-88857285080224230392011-09-15T16:47:00.002-04:002011-09-15T16:50:02.714-04:00Getting Back to BasicsI'm alive!!! I know I haven't really been good about the blogging thing, but I've had so many people ask me about my progress that I felt the need to write, to share, to update. First thing first, August in review. I began August at 277 and ended August at 277. Seriously, it was a total wash. I tried a lot of things; I felt like I was bouncing around trying to regain my equilibrium. I'll be honest. There was more than a hint of desperation in my actions. It wasn't so much that I was desperate to meet my goals, but more that I was desperate to see ANY progress whatsoever. I cannot describe how disheartening it is to be working so hard for no reward. That disappointment gets compounded when, out of a seething frustration or an enveloping despair or both, I snap back in the other direction and deliberately do something counterproductive. Think along the lines of downing two double bacon cheeseburgers. Yeah, I did that. I even acknowledged to myself that I shouldn't have given into the urge to indulge. I acknowledged when I made the decision to go get them, I acknowledged in the car, I acknowledged in the drive-through, I acknowledged as I stuffed my face. But then, acknowledgement has never been my problem. As September commenced, and with it came the realization that all my running around in circles netted no gain, I calmed down and took a few mental deep breaths. Honestly, I'm not sure what switch flipped in my head, but there's definitely a change in my perspective. I've returned to my workout routine, allowing no excuses. For the first time I've been going to the gym even after working overtime. Generally I consider it an either/or choice, but I've decided to allow for no interruptions. I've made my own meals this week and hidden my "fun money" card in an effort, that so far and with minimal exception has been working, to minimize my compulsive food purchases. Lo and behold, I'm finally seeing some downward motion on my scale. Eating right and exercising; turns out it works. Go figure. I have to say, I was getting concerned. Although, I'm not one of those to make excuses, I had considered getting my thyroid tested. It seemed to me that I was doing a lot of work to be seeing no results. Looking back, I <i>was</i> doing a lot of work, but I was also using that work to justify poor decisions. Thus the lack of progress. Hindsight, so they say, is 20/20. I've somewhat resumed my food journalism, although I'm still not nearly as consistent with it as I was in the beginning. It's on my list of things to improve, a list which seems to get longer by the day. For now, however, I'm concentrating on taking things a day at a time, managing my meals, and keeping my exercise schedule consistent. Here goes nothing!FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-45317170629668547222011-08-31T14:32:00.000-04:002011-08-31T14:32:54.148-04:00How Much Is Too Much?While at the gym today, some of the morning programs turned, as they often do, to fitness tips and awareness. There is an incredible emphasis in this country on being "fit" (translate to thin), so I usually take the information presented on such segments with a grain of salt. I was surprised to see that last week or so one of the morning shows (I admit they're all the same to me) had a professional on who pretty much confessed the BMI system is mostly bogus. Props for having the nerve to say that a "fat" person who exercises is, on the whole, more fit than a "skinny" person who doesn't. Anyway, on this particular segment, the resident expert was talking about calorie counting and over-exercising. I hadn't thought about what is considered too much, or compulsive exercise. <a href="http://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/main/over-exercising-over-activity/menu-id-58/">Over-exercising</a> is basically when you feel a compulsive need to exercise excessively for extended periods of time daily. What is excessive? Many websites I checked are saying anything over the thirty or forty five minute mark can be considered excessive. I guess this causes me concern because my exercise regimen is longer than thirty minutes daily, and fairly energetic. However, in all of the articles I read, they referred to compulsive exercise in the cases of people currently at an optimal fitness level. There was no mention of what is too much when it comes to intentional loss. It almost seems to me that if excess got you into a physical fix, excess in the opposite direction should likewise get you out. But then maybe I'm just trying to justify my own excessive tendencies. I will say I haven't read anything that makes me overly concerned as of yet. I don't really consider my exercise essential to my happiness or well-being. Believe me, I can throw it over for a good solid nap anytime. Moreover, I'm not operating without a specific goal. I am concerned about what my mental state may look like once I've reached said goal. There were a couple of personality traits common to compulsive exercisers that I recognize in myself and I can easily see myself obsessing over maintaining my new sleek physique. That, however, is a long way off. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, I intend to continue with my current plan and listen to my body.<br />
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On a positive note, lets talk a little about the weirdness of weight loss. Let me preface by saying I'm not one to look in the mirror. I never have been. I most likely never will be. While there is a pantheon of issues that cause and accompany my utter apathy toward my own reflection, it makes it all the more startling when I happen to notice changes in my own body. Like my side dimples. Oh, yes, I have side dimples. Sexy, I know. I literally looks like the skin on my side has finally found a rib and is clinging on for dear life. And I bet you can't guess the other place I'm noticing weight loss. Nope. Not there either. Give up? My toes. I have a toe ring I've worn constantly for the past five years or so, and I've had to adjust it more frequently this past week than ever before. Apparently I lost a little weight in my toes and the ring, as a result, started sliding around in circles. For those of you who don't wear foot jewelry, this is incredibly uncomfortable. I'd love to skip all this awkward middle phase and head straight for dead sexy. I believe I've already mentioned my preference for instant gratification. I do have to confess, though, I'm more than a little curious about what oddity will present itself down the road.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-30197145157962467962011-08-27T10:52:00.000-04:002011-08-27T10:52:24.658-04:00Juice Watch 2011, part 2Sad news on the juicing front! My feeding chute broke! Insert "oh no!" here. I tried to fix it. I tried working around it. No bueno. I contacted Juiceman about the warranty. Hopefully they will be willing to replace my lid so I can resume my juicing. Until then, the juicing is on hold. Honestly, I have mixed feelings. I can't say I'm mad about needing to have to eat solid food once more. I like food. But I am disappointed I had to set aside my goals. I'm disappointed I didn't get a chance to struggle through this to the end. But c'est la vie. Now I have an opportunity to go see the cute fellas over at the butcher shop. There's always a silver lining...even in a hurricane.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-27236257013807372752011-08-25T13:15:00.000-04:002011-08-25T13:15:32.954-04:00Juice Watch 2011It's day four of my juice fast and I won't lie to you. I've cheated. Regularly. Usually about once a day I'll eat something small, more because I'm overwhelmed with the need to actually chew something than because I'm actually hungry. Mostly I'll grab a handful of some trail mix I made. I think Monday I may have finished off a bag of tortilla chips with some salsa. It was only about eight chips and I reasoned that I didn't want them to go stale. I really need to square with throwing out food one of these days. I had one spectacular slip, though, which involved a cheeseburger and fries...so not only did I break my fast, but also my intent to not eat out. But it was my first meat day that I was surrendering, which I knew would be the hardest day of the week, and literally EVERYONE at work had beef for lunch. It was torturous. I made a side trip to Steak and Shake. I argued with myself about it the whole way; I argued on the way down the longest hallway ever (seriously, we call it the green mile) to get my keys and all the way back. I argued in the car. But eventually I was at the place and just couldn't not break. Funny thing is, it was pretty awful. I didn't even get that really delicious beef flavor I was after, just grease. The burger tasted like grease with onions....which weren't even supposed to be on the burger in the first place. The fries were worse. The only satisfying things about the meal were that it was hot and it was solid.<br />
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I guess I didn't realize that there is a powerful psychology that goes with eating. It isn't just the satisfaction of obtaining sustenance. It isn't solely the filling of nutritional need. If that were the case I'd be sailing through this fast. But there are all the other things I wasn't expecting to miss that make this the most difficult, cheats and all. Let's not even get into the social aspect of mealtime, and feeling a little outcast because I'm drinking my meal instead of chowing down with everyone else. I miss the taunt of the smells of cooked food and the contentment achieved by tasting the corresponding taste. I miss looking at the spread of food before you and deciding which taste to experience first. And there is an immense satisfaction in mastication. I miss the different textures of a meal almost as much as I miss the different tastes. No juice, no matter how delicious (and I've made some really good ones), can live up to that. There's a cycle of anticipation and gratification in every meal that is lacking on a liquid diet. I'm already thinking on what I want my first real meal off the fast to look like.<br />
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Hey that reminds me. I think I could really benefit from meal planning. So while I'm not actually eating, I'll take this time to plan out a couple of weeks worth of meals. I recently bought a bunch of discount cookbooks (RIP Borders, I'll miss you), particularly vegetarian cookbooks, since I have trouble coming up with tasty meals that don't include meat. Usually on veggie days I eat an assortment of sides. So I'm going to put those to good use and make some yummies. Maybe having a more structured menu will help me get over my boredom in the kitchen and the need to eat out which accompanies it. The tricky part will be finding the time and inclination to cook it all. Working third shift is tough on free time. During the week I feel like my free time gets eaten up by obligations I have to fulfill while stuff is open. Then by the time I'm done, all I want to do is sleep. Then I only get one free day, in essence, since Friday is usually occupied sleeping or fighting off sleep and Sunday I hurry to get everything done and tire myself out before noon so I can get sleep before work. I'm loath to spend my whole Saturday cooking for the week. I don't know, I'll work out some kind of schedule. I have six more days to figure it out, in any case.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-81737431946796724442011-08-21T11:38:00.000-04:002011-08-21T11:38:05.379-04:00New TacticsSo if I had to come up with two words to describe August, they would be the following: Epic Fail. Why? Well, to begin with, my exercise regimen has been pretty much a bust. I just haven't been doing it...any of it. Not because I have a valid excuse, just because I felt like sleeping instead. I feel like this is probably an endless loop I'm spiraling down. They say when you don't exercise, you don't sleep as well. When you don't sleep, as we all know, you're more tired during the hours in which you're supposed to be functioning, which leads me, at least, to prioritize sleeping over, say, exercising when I get off work. See? Vicious cycle. SO there's that. The solution is to just suck it up and go, which I feel like I may finally have worked up enough motivation to do. Second, my plan to not eat out at all was thwarted by an impromptu vacation. This, I can't regret. I needed a change of scenery and when my folks called and asked me if I wanted to join them on a sojourn to the beach, I readily agreed. While there, I did indeed, eat a lot of the food I brought with me, mostly peaches and trail mix and Perfect Foods Bars which I am addicted to. If you like peanut butter I highly recommend them. But I also ate dinner and breakfast out with the fam. With the exception of a foot long chili cheese dog, I made some very healthy decisions, I think, during those times we did dine out. I did a ton of walking, even schlepping a half mile with a case of 24 half liter bottles of water. Blame the insomnia for that one. I managed to return from vacation with no weight gain along the belt...but no weight loss either. Then there was, of course, my coworker's birthday dinner, as is tradition among our shift. I simply don't have the willpower to hold out while everyone else is eating yummies. I'm just plain not that strong. But I am employing a few new strategies to make up for my lapses. I bought a juicer. I'm juicing. I'm juicing fruits and veggies and about anything else that will go in the juicer. Right now I'm juicing for as many meals a day as I feel I can survive with. Monday I plan to employ a juice fast. Now before you go all wiggy on the term "fast" realize I've done my homework, at least a little. I'm only going to fast for 10 days, the remainder of August. This is to help me get back on track with my "eating out cleanse". Since I'll be drinking all the juice my little heart can stand, I'll still be getting a ton of nutrients; I'll probably be getting more than I am now. This nutrient intake should hold any effects of actual starvation at bay. I've decided to add kefir, a sort of liquid yogurt probiotic, to all of my juices to boost my protein intake and help keep my digestion on track. I'm also allowing myself milk...as much because I need to drink it before it goes bad as because I think it will supplement the juice diet well. And, of course, buckets and buckets of water. And I know I won't be starving, since I've been experimenting with how long a nice glass of juice will last me. Four or five glasses a day ought to reasonably see me through whilst staving off hunger pangs. As for the exercising I'm, first, making sure I get plenty of sleep by attempting to regulate my hours a little better. I'm also using a little OTC help when necessary. That way I'll have no excuses, flimsy or otherwise, to avoid hitting the gym first thing off work. Second, I'm thinking on Vegas. Every girl needs motivation, and I've decided I want to look cute in my as-yet-to-be-determined Halloween costume, whatever it may be. I mean, one cannot walk around Vegas all frumpy. It simply isn't done.Well, it is done but I don't want to do it. So, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I feel that this will be good for me, adding a kick in the pants and a boost to my forward momentum. And if not, hey, there's always next week right?FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-28905967160545575772011-08-05T01:44:00.000-04:002011-08-05T01:44:23.579-04:00July In SummaryUgh. Okay, here goes. I began July at 280 and ended at 277. It's progress, yes, but I spent a lot of time fighting myself this month. I really stood in my own way. My disappointment over the total lack of success from last month led me to an "I-just-don't-care-anymore" kind of place. There is a saboteur in my home and she is me. I have to give her credit. She's sneaky. Imminently persuasive and wielding what seems on the face of it irrefutable logic, I have managed to talk myself out of behaviors I know positively propel me toward my goal and I have, likewise, talked myself into nonproductive behaviors. And I won't lie, at the root of it all was a feeling that nothing I did mattered anyway. My lack of progress has definitely made me despondent. But I have decided to brush it off. I'm headed back to basics. You may remember a while ago I mentioned that I had not been writing in my food journal and was going to restart that practice. Well I didn't. I think the accountability that provided for me is a piece that has been seriously lacking from this puzzle. So today I began again. I even put it in a nifty looking journal instead of a spiral notebook. This time I am determined to keep it up. I also really need to put the brakes on the whole eating out thing. I've done it far too often lately, for sure more than the once a week I've told myself I'm allowed. I'm weak, and I want to be social with people...which usually involves mealtime somewhere. But I resolve to work my willpower muscle a little more often. I've been pep talking myself in the mirror. Aside from feeling a little nuts, I don't know if that's working at all yet. I feel great for a few hours after, chalk full of resolve, but that feeling wears off fairly quickly and I'm left with the same soft spots I've always had trouble guarding against.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-23024155960537332002011-07-24T11:37:00.000-04:002011-07-24T11:37:29.054-04:00Making PeaceSo I literally just finished watching a documentary entitled "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I found to be incredibly inspiring. Basically it is about an Australian businessman who found himself overweight with an immune disorder that was caused by his obesity. In order to correct the wrong he'd done to himself through years of poor eating and lack of exercise, he went on a 60 day juice fast. This means that for two months the man ate, or drank rather, nothing but a variety of nutrient dense fruits and vegetables that had been run through a juicer. Every meal, every snack, every day. He also traveled around the US sharing his experiences, his goals, and generally asking people's opinion on the whole idea of fasting. Not surprisingly the general populace by and large thought he was nuts. What really caught my attention, though, was the number of people who flat out knew they had terrible habits, but had convinced themselves that they could not, or didn't want to, change. The reasoning ranged anywhere from "they make me crave it" to "when God says it's time for me to go, who am I to argue" to "if I'm dying anyway, I want to be happy." And although Joe, said Australian businessman, was never pushing his agenda or trying to convince anyone to do this but himself, he was met with some downright belligerence. It makes me wonder if, as a society, or as human beings even, we're really as okay with being fat and unhealthy as we claim. Everyone he spoke to seemed to have no qualms in admitting that they were the root of their own poor diet. Most had no problem admitting that a few simple changes would make them healthier, perhaps even extend their lives. But then, invariably, everyone had an excuse. If it wasn't "I have no will power" it was "there are challenges with my social/work/family schedule." Funnily enough, the one thing I never heard was "I eat this way because I like it, healthy or not." Everyone seemed more content to make peace with the consequences of their choices than to try to make any changes moving forward. It left me with the feeling that America knows our diet is killing us, but nobody has the gumption to even try a change. Well, maybe not nobody. Joe convinced two people to try his "reboot" for just ten days to see how they felt. You know what? Both stuck with it and both benefited from it.<br />
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I guess this resonated with me because of all the changes I've chosen to make. I, too, have heard things like "oh, I couldn't do it" from people who wouldn't even try. Now that the benefits of may changes are becoming more and more prevalent, I get asked a lot what I've been doing. And nearly every time there is a refusal to jump on board. Not that that is why I made the changes I made. I did it for me, no one else. And really that is the only way it works. I guess I just wonder why people seem to hold a few life changes so in awe when all it is is a matter of sucking it up and changing. If you want to change, do it. If you're unhappy, don't make peace with the way things are just because you're afraid it may be hard, or that you may fail, or that you'd feel left out or isolated. Is maintaining an unsatisfactory status quo worth that? I don't know, maybe this is just me thinking.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-66901996279605045842011-07-23T14:34:00.000-04:002011-07-23T14:34:50.899-04:00My Incredible Shrinking StomachToday, my friends, I was defeated by a single slice of pizza. It wasn't even one of those gargantuan slices you get at NY style pizzerias. I got it at Whole Foods since I was about to fall over, having not eaten since 8am, and the slice was really appealing. It was a Pesto Chicken pizza and it was very delicious. So you can imagine my chagrin when I got about 3/4 of the way through and was full. Not <i>I could probably finish this and my garlic knot and be okay but I know I shouldn't</i> full. I was <i>if I finish this and even look at my garlic knot I may possibly throw up in my moving vehicle</i> full. We all know the difference. But I was surprised. Very surprised. Now, I've never been one of those who could demolish a half a pizza in one setting. Two slices has pretty much always been my limit, three if I was really hungry. But I have never in recollection been satisfied with a single slice, and for sure haven't been full from less than one. I consider this, in spite of being made to put down something so yummy before I was finished with it, a very good sign. You don't know this, since I haven't posted in a good while, but my scale and I are having a fight. It persists in showing me a number I do not accept. It doesn't seem to be mattering what I do this month: gym or no gym, doughnuts or no doughnuts, six small meals or two big ones. That scale isn't budging. I haven't written about it because I'm not a huge fan of admitting failure. Hell, I'm not a fan of failing, period. I don't do it often and I'm no good at it. But this is supposed to be a learning opportunity, a growth opportunity. So here I am telling you my scale isn't cooperating with my weight loss plan. But I take heart in a few encouraging indications that let me know I'm on the right track. First being, my kangaroo pouch is making its first visible retreat. You can't imagine how happy that made me, even if it is lopsided. I sorted my jeans a few weeks ago into on-the-way-to-too-big, just-right/slightly-snug, and keep-trying-maybe-later. My slightly-snugs are now solidly just-rights. I'm wearing them, quite comfortably thank you, as I type. I take this as a sign of improvement. And finally, I'm getting more compliments on my progress than ever. SO I'm trying not to take my scale's defection personally. I'm trying to keep on the right path and not give up. I'm trying very, very hard to climb over every hurdle put in my path. I could use the encouragement, though.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466237506262351838.post-13709794380336745152011-07-09T10:15:00.001-04:002011-07-09T10:15:10.489-04:00Feed Me, I'm Bored.You hear a lot about emotional eaters. You know, the people who swallow their feelings of sorrow, or inadequacy, or rage, or whatever with a Big Mac and fries. In fact, I believe that there is a tacit implication that every fat person on earth eats their feelings. Why else would they possibly be fat? For some people, it's an accurate assumption. Some people have serious issues coping with, well, issues. I've watched myself closely and I can honestly say I am not an emotional eater. In fact, intense emotion completely kills my appetite. What I am may be much more insidious. I eat out of boredom. I find this a lot harder to a)identify and b)combat. The difficulty identifying this issue comes in that it is inconsistent. I don't always graze. I don't always overeat. I don't always even eat consistently. So how did I figure myself out? I'm on doctor's orders to do as little as possible. On Wednesday I underwent a very minor surgical procedure. The stitches I received meant that I was put on biological restriction at work, meaning they sent me home. I've been bored out of my mind and I found myself finishing an entire canister of mixed nuts. I couldn't bring myself to put them down. Being on Vicodin didn't particularly strengthen my resolve to put the damn nuts down. In fact I remember reaching for them and trying to talk myself out of it, telling me I wasn't hungry, I had just put them away, and I didn't need them. I ate them anyway. It wasn't until this morning when I was rattling aimlessly around my living room and peeked in my fridge for the third time (thank goodness I don't keep a steady supply of snacks) that I realized I was only looking for something to eat out of a total lack of anything to do. Having spent the past few days sleeping pretty much all day I didn't want to lie in bed and read. My doctor advised against serious exercise for at least a week...plus I'm scared of pulling my stitches or sweating in them. I was pretty much reduced to pacing my living room. And since I didn't particularly think narcotics and kitchens mix, I haven't made anything more strenuous than a sandwich since Wednesday. I can't help but think that this isn't helping my weight loss cause. Of course, I don't keep unhealthy things, so I'm mindlessly munching on things like peaches and mixed nuts. There are many worse things that I could be eating, but I guess I'm more concerned about not exercising. I'm so inert without it. I really don't do much. But then again, what can I do? I'm under very specific instructions. I'm pretty much tired all day anyway, even without the drugs, which I now only take when I absolutely feel the need of them. I just feel like such a lump lying in bed all day.FutureFormerFatChickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07674240199942075930noreply@blogger.com0