Call Me Yo-Yo

Hello Blog, it's been a while. So long I may have lost the knack of it. Kind of like I lost the knack of caring. A lot has happened since I last set my fingers to tapping keys. I met someone. We got serious. We fell in love. We got engaged.

We got fat...ter.

For reasons that could probably (and by probably I mean definitely) be its own post, I have also spent the last year and a half or so battling with depression. I only mention this because depression and weight gain almost always go hand in hand. While I have been slowly healing, I have not been watchful of my weight.

Long story short, I am heavier than I have ever been. I am getting older, which means I feel my weight in my body in ways I never have before. I'm constantly fatigued and cannot tell if it's my body craving nutrients or my depression lulling me back to bed. My once sunny disposition finds itself overshadowed by stress and frustration and anger far more frequently than I am comfortable admitting.

So I need a change.

I was driving along and heard an add on the radio. They were looking for overweight women to participate in a study. I fit the qualifications, so I joined. The study is basically comparing weight loss from increased activity vs. caloric restriction and increased activity. When I was told I would be randomized into one or the other I knew that there was a group I wanted to be in and a group I needed to be in. I WANTED to be in the group that got a Fitbit and a fancy scale and a step goal. I wanted to keep my freedom to do what I wanted, indulge as I wanted, all the while claiming I tried. I NEEDED to be placed in the group that still got the Fitbit, fancy scale, and step goal, but also a dietary supplement, a Nutrisystem subscription and a very strict diet to follow.

I was disappointed to be randomized into the latter group...until I realized that this is exactly what I need. I wouldn't have done well on the other plan. I know myself well enough to know that I'd do the bare minimum required of me and call myself participating. This way I have rules and I'm forced to eat less.

Not that I'm not kicking and screaming. I've been on the Nutrisystem diet for almost a week now and I'm about ready to punch someone in the throat. It's not my ideal. I'm constantly hungry. Almost every meal tastes like some variation of Chef Boyardee. If you've read the blog before you know how I feel about processed foods and now that's ALL I'm eating. You also know I prefer to work my way down to a restricted diet gradually and this was literally an overnight change. I've slipped up more than a handful of times this week. Have I mentioned I'm constantly hungry?

BUT it's effective. I've already shed about five pounds. Much of it is water weight, I know, but it's better than no progress. AND I can't think of a better way to reboot once the study is done. Following this diet will break all my worst habits. When the study is over I'll have no trouble taking the best parts of Nutrisystem, the focus on balanced macronutrients and a vegetable heavy diet, and incorporating it into a clean  diet for myself and my fiance.

So I'm working on remaining positive. I'm working on recognizing my hunger based anger...and boy do I get hangry...to reel back my crankiness when it gets the better of me.

And hey, if my future husband can love me through a very stringent diet, when I KNOW how unpleasant I can get, the rest of our lives will be a cake walk.

See....positive!