Dissatisfaction is the impetus for change. When we are satisfied, we grow complacent. Human nature follows the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy. And, really it makes sense. If things are good, if things are just as you like them, why on earth would you want to muck up a system that works? Answer: you don't. That's why people generally have to be pretty darn miserable to change, well, anything. I mention this because I've gotten to a pretty darn miserable place. Now I'm not saying this to garner any concern or pity. I am, in fact, encouraged by my utter dissatisfaction with the way my weight loss journey is going. I've written recently about falling off the wagon once again, and this time I'm finding myself having a particularly hard time getting back in the sucker. In fact, my wagon is moving forward, full speed ahead, dragging me in its wake. But to day I had a realization. This is going to sound a lot worse than it is, I promise you. I realized I hate my reflection. I know this smacks of a discouraging sense of self image, but that isn't at all where I come from here.
I'll be honest, my reflection and I have never really seen eye to eye. Like most women I have a hypersensitivity to what I consider my flaws. Regardless of what anyone else sees, I have always seen glaring flaws in my reflection. This has led to a dearth of mirrors in my home...as in I own none. That's right, not one. The only mirrors I have access to are those that come with my living establishment and those I rarely look into. More importantly, my mirrors mainly focus on the face. They are not full body mirrors. So I walk around, often, with a vague concept of how my body looks. I'll see other overweight women and try to mentally compare how we carry our weight to try to garner an impression of what I look like to others. The truth is I'm still not sure how I present myself. But lately I've been seeing a lot of me, not in mirrors, but in windows. Storefront windows and glass doors at night are great for bouncing a reflection of you around. I also saw me on a security cam. In every single occasion that I've seen myself in the past week I've been really, really disappointed in me. To me, the person I see is not representative of the person I am, and I need to change that.
Now I fully understand that what I'm seeing in the mirror is unavoidable. I'm in transition. The way I have lost weight so far, it's as if I'm shrinking from my extremities inwards. The result is that my forearms and lower legs are smaller. My face, neck, and chest are smaller. My gut and my hips...not smaller. So I feel like I look fatter. What I need to do is put my nose to the grindstone and go ahead and transition already. But I've been caught up lately in a web of inconvenience and excuses which just adds to the dissatisfaction I'm feeling.
Never fear. Hope is in sight. In about two weeks my work schedule will be changing. Instead of having a broken day, all of my work will be in one giant block of time. This will be great, because it means that I'll be able to use my time more efficiently. I'll be able to get back into the gym without it being an exhausting ordeal. I'll be able to cook again without having to balance my schedule first. I'm really looking forward to it. My time of excuses is coming to an end, and I see change on the horizon.