Lazy Day

Apparently I wasn't the only one who didn't want to go to the gym this morning. It was emptier than I think I have ever seen it. Of the people who were there, most were engaged in some of the slackest exercising I've seen to date. It made me feel not so bad about having a slack workout myself. I was on the arc trainer for an hour. I really had to work to talk myself into doing an hour instead of a half hour. Even then I didn't work very hard at my work out. Oddly enough, I burned almost as many calories as most of my former workouts and didn't feel like I was working at all. That made me happy.

I had ambitious goals for the rest of the day, but I've decided I'm not doing any of that. I'm going to bed. If I happen to get up later, I'll reconsider.

I'm Still Here!

And I'm still blogging. I'm sorry I haven't been giving the blog much attention lately. It's been a really off week for me. But I figured since I gave my blog address to no less than three people in the space of an hour I should probably pop in and play a little catch up.

I met with my nutritionist this morning. She went over my food journal and was all approval. While I have seen the results of my planning, and probably wouldn't have changed a whole lot even if she had told me I was doing everything backwards, it was nice to get a professional opinion. Even better is getting professional approval. The only thing she really suggested was a change to 1% milk. I'm skeptical of this change actually being made and I told her so. I love milk, and always have, but I like MILK. To me, anything below 2% is just opaque water. It takes all the enjoyment out of milk for me. I've tried before, and I'm game for trying again, I'm just not optimistic.

But let's see, what has happened this week? I actually went to work out on a Saturday, thanks to my friend who picked up the weekend buddy baton. He made it clear I was not to count on him as a regular, though. I was just glad to have the company and support. I had another friend offer for this Saturday but I will be traveling this weekend. As to that I've been trying to be better prepared to stick to my plan while on the road by looking up places where I might be able to get some healthy vegetarian options while in South Carolina for the Sunday drive home. The pickings down there, in case you wondered, are slim. I may wait until I get around Charlotte, since the choices there are more abundant. Back on subject. I fell a little behind on my water drinking for the first time in the new year, but I'm caught up now. I am noticing a marked improvement in my ability on the machines at the gym. My heart rates are dropping, even as I do the same amount of work. This is a very good thing, because in the end it doesn't matter what I weigh as long as I'm healthier. My sleep this week has been horrible, and it's really making me kind of scatterbrained. It's a big part of why I haven't been blogging with regularity. When I can't sleep, I can't seem to do much of anything else either. Today, however, is rainy and gloomy and perfect for cuddling up with my down comforter. Which I believe I shall go do now, as I've had a very busy morning.

Adieu, my friends, until I blog again!

Keeping it Light...er

It's weigh day and I am fairly pleased to say I stopped the backsliding. I weighed in this morning at 299.6. It may not be a mind-blowing amount of progress, but it is something. Honestly, this is more along the lines of what I was expecting when I began this journey. It's better to drop steady, small amounts than huge, sudden weight dips anyway.

I have noticed something that I need to work on in the future, however. Because I work third shift I have a hard time with meals. I tend to eat heavily at every meal. My breakfast is dinner. My lunch is dinner. My dinner, if it happens, is either breakfast or lunch, but I eat like it is, well, dinner. And somehow I manage to throw in an entire fourth meal, since I don't sleep fully throughout the day like I would at night. I noticed this while I was looking through my food journal.

In a quick side note, I highly recommend a food journal to anyone who is watching their weight. Quite honestly I would recommend it to anyone. It has been illuminating. I started it for my nutritionist. I told her I wanted to do it to figure out when and why I was getting nausea spells, but really I felt the need to prove that I wasn't constantly eating. Whatever the reason, I've continued to do it because it is truly useful. It is also easier than I thought it would be. It has really helped me see trends in my eating and I've made a lot of improvements. If you choose to do it, I suggest starting simple. Enter the date, time, and a brief description of what you ate. I include any beverages that aren't water. As you get the hang of things, you can get more detailed and list, for example, how you prepared the meal and what else went in it, or how often you get hungry and how intense that hunger is. 

Ok, back on topic. I have made an effort, since yesterday, to try to eat at least one, if not two, lighter meals in my day. My first and second will most likely remain heavy as I am most hungry as I wake before work and during my lunch break. That means my early morning and midday meals will have to be less substantial. This is probably what I need to do anyway, as I am not doing a whole lot during the day to warrant eating a big meal. We'll see how this does added on to my list of "dietary restrictions," which so far I haven't had much trouble sticking to. 

I honestly thought that eating better would be a lot harder than I've found it to be. I admit I am a recovering slave to convenience. I thought I'd miss the fast food more, but I'm finding that I miss the quickness of it more than I miss the actual food. What little fast food I have had since the new year started has been really disappointing. Frankly, what I make for myself tastes better. I just have to get off my ass and make it. 

The Dark Side Has Cookies

Forget about gold and good intentions. The road to hell is most definitely paved with Girl Scout Cookies. You doubt my claim? Think about them. Think about those delicious little buttery nubbins that manage to be at once not too sweet yet immensely satisfying with just the perfect amount of crumble. They are the one thing I've not heard anyone complain about getting more expensive even as the size of the cookies (and their boxes) get smaller year after year. Someone HAD to have sold their soul for that deal.

Girl Scout Cookie season is the one time of year that makes both my wallet and my waistline cringe. During this time of year, I go one of two ways: I either abstain entirely or buy enough boxes to last me through the year. For the past two years I've abstained, but mostly because for the three years before that I went WAY overboard with the cookies. I couldn't stop myself from finishing off half a box of Carmel D’lights (formerly known as Tagalongs) in one sitting. Let’s not even consider that I bought three boxes. I had to hide the thin mints from myself. I have a short enough attention span that sticking them in the back under something I'm not likely to thaw any time soon actually works for me. I found them several months later and was insanely excited about it. I then proceeded to eat half of the roll.

So when my coworker came around with that insidious order sheet I was faced with a conundrum. I haven't had the delight of GSC's in two years. I can practically taste them. But up to this point I have been relatively successful in keeping my sweets to a minimum, leaning instead on fruit to satisfy my cravings for sugar. The cookies wouldn't be so bad if I can limit myself to one at a time. The thing is I don't entirely trust my willpower in the face of such a powerful temptress. On the other hand, I really, really, really want them and so far my willpower is holding up fairly well.

I have until Friday to make a decision. In the mean time I'm trying to ignore the sweet whisper of my old hedonistic ways. "Come to the Dark Side," it says, "We have cookies!"

Reward, Thy Name Is Bagel

I awoke yesterday evening to a body in protest. I was, for some unknown reason, sore all over. I believe I may be getting a cold or something. On top of that, I worked out fairly enthusiastically yesterday morning and my right knee is letting me know I'm pushing it. I feel like someone stuck a half filled water balloon behind my patella. And because I spent a large majority of my time yesterday not sleeping, which seems to be recurring today, I was also exhausted. Well, very sluggish at the least. So as you can imagine, I really, really didn't want to work out this morning. But I did...mostly because it was bagel day. I'd love to say I felt an overpowering drive to stick to my commitment,  but alas I cannot. I can say I knew I should go and the bagel provided me that extra little nudge. I admit, I took it easy, but I honestly felt that was best with my knee acting up. And of course I made myself a complimentary bagel on the way out. It, surprisingly, made it worth fighting my original inclination and going to the gym. What can I say? I'm easy.

And, as promised, the results of my fish head soup. It was really yummy! I was pleased with the outcome. Here is the recipe, kind of.

You will need:

1 or 2 large fish heads

one pint of half and half

chopped leeks

chopped carrots

chunked potatoes or rice noodles(I had both but have decided it would probably be better with just one or the other)

a few cloves of garlic, diced

a little ginger root, diced

salt and pepper

-First take your fish heads and bake them in the oven at about 300 degrees for around 30 minutes.

-Remove the flesh from the fish heads once they are cool enough to handle and set aside. 

-Put the bones and everything that is left in a large pot, just cover with water and bring to a boil. You may boil this as long as necessary to create a nice broth. 

-While the broth is getting ready you want to put your potatoes on to boil.

-While your potatoes are boiling, sautee your garlic and ginger and add in your veggies. 

-Now it is time to bring it all together! Strain your broth so you don't get bones or fat globs in your soup, because that's gross. 

-Add your potatoes(water and all) and your veggies to the broth. 

-Add in that meat you set aside earlier and your half and half and let it all simmer for 15 to 20 minutes to really mesh all those flavors together. 

Note: If you chose to go with the rice noodle option, forget about the boiling potatoes and add your rice noodle in here. When the noodles are tender, it's done.

And that's it! Just salt and pepper to taste. If you're feeling daring you can add other spices or veggies as you see fit. I find a mushroom or a pea would not be entirely out of place, but then I think mushrooms and peas can go in just about anything so I'm partial. 

A word of warning, this makes a lot and I don't think there's any way to get around that without wasting your broth so be prepared to either share, freeze(although I don't know how well it will hold in the freezer), or

eat a lot of soup in the days after making this. But whatever you do, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Back in the Saddle

A word of warning: I have yet to see my bed at 3pm and I may be a little loopy from exhaustion.

I have a few things I want to talk about today, the first of which being a brief summary of week 2. Week 2 went badly. I didn't work out like I knew I should for one weak excuse or another. At the time each excuse seemed perfectly valid, but in the end it was all excuses nothing more, nothing less. While I stuck to the letter of my diet plan, I didn't really stick to the spirit of it. I ate a lot of red meat, everything was cooked in butter, and I ate a lot of bread. None of these is strictly forbidden in my plan, but neither is it particularly good for my cause. At the end of the week it showed. On Saturday morning I weighed in at 301.4. Now while this is by no means a disappointing number, as it is still a good 10 pounds lighter than my decided beginning weight, it does mark a backwards trend that I do not want to continue.

But with a new week comes a new resolution. My mother scoffed at my "reset day" saying I shouldn't wait for the week to end to renew my fervor, and she's right, but I need a clear line at which it is acceptable to let my failures go and start over. It's a mental hurdle; I work with it. I still didn't work this weekend due to a sheer lack of time and energy....okay, and also motivation. I very clearly need to find a weekend workout buddy. I have a few people in mind, and am also accepting volunteers. I get guests with my gym membership so you won't even have to worry about being a member. I'll get you in if you just get me there. Nevertheless, I did go in today and I did have a very productive workout. I feel kind of juiced about this week because so many people have told me they are following me and are proud of my accomplishments so far. You guys have no idea how much I value hearing that. It helps me immeasurably, believe it or not.

I went to the grocery store after my workout to buy some ingredients that I didn't have for fish head soup which I am making as I type. (I'm waiting for the fish head to cool a little so I can pull the meat off) While I was there I realized I have wicked cravings for carbs. I wanted so badly to pick up muffins, rolls, pastries, and, when I left the bakery section, chips. I mean these cravings were vicious! I was surprised I could want something so bad that I had no idea I wanted three minutes ago. Of course, I understand where they come from, and they are ultimately a good thing. It means my body is looking for something to burn and is trying to prompt me to go for the easy source. The trick is NOT going for the easy source. I was strong and didn't put anything in my cart I didn't need. When I left, I felt very proud of myself and my willpower.

Now I want to talk about boobs. My boobs, that is. And this is only because after I picked up groceries I stopped to get bras, which I needed because I've broken all of mine. I will be so happy if/when my band size comes down and I can purchase pretty bras. I'm tired of granny bras, which are the only ones that get the job done at the end of the day. You know what I mean(at least the ladies do). Big, sturdy material, thick straps, absolutely zero appeal. Pretty simply doesn't happen at my size, being superceded by functionality. I find myself wondering, as I have before, if my boobs will get smaller. Not that that would be bad, it's just that I kind of like my boobs as they are. I'd just like more attractive embellishments.

By the way, there is a surprising amount of meat in a fish head, in case your were wondering.

That may be all that was weighing on my mind. Even if it isn't I'm sure I've tested the limits of your attention span. I know I've tested the limits of mine! I'll let you know next time how the fish soup turned out. If it turns out well I'll post my recipe for anyone interested.

Hate vs. Hate

There are people who genuinely enjoy working out. They thrive off of vigorous activity. I am not one of those people. I hate it. I find that the term "hate" is used far too often, but in this case it is apt. I hate the way my heart bumps in my chest so hard I feel like it's trying to jump right out of me. I hate that I get all red and sweaty. I hate that my legs get all trembly when I've worked hard. I hate the feeling that I can't suck in enough oxygen. All in all it is an incredibly unpleasant feeling. I don't understand for the life of me why people do it with such relish. I do, however, know why I do it in spite of the intense hatred I feel every time I step into the gym.

I work out because there are other things I hate. I hate my double chin. I hate my flabby arm flappers. I hate my kangaroo pouch. I hate that "shopping" with my friends is really just me following them around because I know good and well there's not a damned thing I can wear in normal clothing stores. I hate that people look at me and see a fat chick instead of the vibrant woman I am. I hate that every step in a stairwell reminds me of how much damage my weight is doing to my knees. I hate that I can't eat ice cream in public without thinking of fat jokes. The list goes on and on. And the list of things that I hate about being fat is far longer and much harder to fix than the gym list. So I go, because one day I just decided I didn't want to hate that much of me anymore.

I tend to believe that we are where we are in life due to our own complicity. Every moment is an option. Every moment we make a choice to act or not to act, and our lives to date are the elaborate tapestry that results from the subtle interweaving of these actions or lack thereof. In plain speak, I've done this to myself.  I decided to take a nap instead of a walk. I decided to eat a doughnut instead of an apple. My choices have led me here and my choices will lead me into a healthier lifestyle. Every decision I make to drive to the gym instead of my home is a step in the right direction. I intend to keep taking one step at a time. Hopefully one day I'll look up, as is usually the case, and find myself already at where I was going.

In that spirit I got back into the gym today and I'm really satisfied with my workout. I pushed myself today, and actually worked through the feeling of nausea when I pushed my heart rate above 170 for the third time. I'm going to start trying to do that more, pushing myself just a little beyond my limit. After all, if I never test my limits, I will never know them. If I don't know my limits, how can I expand upon them?